MOM...God's Superhero

M - O - M

Who knew that three simple letters could be so packed full of hilarity, wisdom, and unconditional love? Only a "Mom" has the uncanny ability to make you feel happy, loved, embarrassed, comforted, and sometimes frustrated all at the same time. I definitely consider it to be some supernatural power that God bestows upon women at the moment of their first child's birth. It's as if a mom is God's version of a comic book superhero. She IS the Justice League. Her "look" contains power beyond compare. Yes, you know what I am talking about. We all know "THE LOOK." Oh, and how can we forget the other magnificent mom power known as "THE GUILT." This one works wonders with me...my mom has trained me well.

Along with these inexplicable magical powers a mom possesses, she also seems to have her own set of idiosyncrasies with which to completely embarrass or bring humor into her children's lives. This is most certainly MY mom. To say that my mother is crazy sounds a little harsh, but it is this craziness that has created some of the most outrageous and hilarious memories of my life. Let me give a few examples:

It seems as if my mom is like a combination of a Jewish and a Hispanic mother. Every fiber of her being is either spent trying to feed me or marry me off in order to obtain grandchildren. Most every phone call either begins with, "So, did you eat today?" or "Did you meet anyone today?" Many times, she even uses one of these questions as a bridge into some wacky idea that she randomly came up with that day. One such voicemail, "Hey, honey, it's me...your mom...the one who gave birth to you (THE GUILT). By the way, did you eat today? You looked a little thin the last time I saw you. So, I was thinking, with as much as you drive by yourself, you really should invest in a flare gun to keep in your car. That way if you run out of gas or your car breaks down at night, you can shoot off the flare gun for help...or, if some guy came up to attack you, you could just shoot your flare gun at him. There you go. Just think about it, okay? Alright, love you. Talk to you later."

Okay, first of all, of course shooting off a flare gun in the city would make so much more sense than just calling someone on my cell phone. Why didn't I think of that before?! Second of all, can you imagine my shooting off would-be attackers with my flare gun? "Oh, no!!! The chic has a flare gun, man!!! RUN!!!" I don't know...maybe it isn't such a bad idea. Hmm...

On being single...how could I forget the series of voicemails my mom left me detailing how I don't sound "single enough" on my voicemails. "Because" said mom, "What if some random single guy accidentally calls your phone and gets your voicemail? If you don't sound "single", how would he know to leave you a message about taking you out some time?" Yes, I'm sure that's my problem. Thank you, Mom.

On being too skinny...I have always been too skinny for my mom. I am from a stocky German family and to them I look like a poor, little starving child from World Vision. It's been my "thorn in the flesh" for most of my life. So, one time, a few years ago, I went to visit my mom in Georgia and about two days into the visit, she followed me into a bathroom stall at a Chinese buffet.
"Eww, Mom!" I said, "What are you doing?!" She gave me a concerned look, laid her hand gently on my shoulder, and asked, "Honey, are you bulimic? I'm really worried."
"What?! Mom, what in the world?!" I answered.
"Every time we have gone out to eat, I see you eat a lot and then you go to the bathroom before we leave the restaurant. I just want to make sure that you aren't throwing up your meals...you're so skinny!" I just laughed and laughed and assured her that I was not bulimic. I love food. She was pacified for the time being. However, days later she sat down with me, gave me a beautifully wrapped gift, and waited for me to open it. "How sweet, Mom, thank you!" I exclaimed and quickly unwrapped the gift. To my chagrin, it was a book entitled, "A Diary of My Former Self: One Girl's Struggle with Anorexia." Exasperated, I looked up at my mom and she said, "If you ever need to talk, honey, I'm here." Wow. Despite these funny stories of my mom's unmerited concern about my eating habits, I think I have finally convinced her that I do not have an eating disorder. This, of course, does not stop her from asking about what I ate for the day or what my current weight is, but it is progress. After all, it's her job to be concerned...she's "Mom."

I could probably fill volumes with all of my wacky mom stories, but I will save those for future posts. In addition to all of her off-the-wall antics, my mom has been a tower of strength and perseverance throughout the years. She has has loved, sacrificed, and lived for her children despite overwhelming obstacles. She truly is a superhero in my opinion. I have learned multitudes of things from her and tomorrow I will share a list of "Mom Wisdom" that I have gleaned from her throughout my life.

So, goodbye for now...I need to make sure my flare gun is ready to go for some pick-ups I need to do. Hey, don't judge...it wasn't such a crazy idea after all...

Love ya, Mom!