Accepted

Have you ever been in a room full of people or even friends...and felt completely all alone?


I have...and often do.  This idea of "acceptance" is an area of my life that has produced some of my fiercest struggles.  Do people REALLY accept me?  Or do they accept the person that THEY think I am?  Growing up, I had to be the best...physical and mental abuse from a certain family member if I didn't meet up to certain expectations pushed me to work harder.  This eventually turned into an obsession to please people.  If I pleased them enough, I was loved and accepted.  If I performed well enough, I was loved and accepted.  If I failed, I was stupid and worthless....unloved and rejected.  Then, at 13, I got saved and gave my life over to God.  However, I still strove to meet a certain level of worthiness.  If I had the right standards...if I did all the right things, then, God would REALLY love me and accept me.  Oh, I realized that He accepted me for salvation but, this was different.  Standards became, to me, somewhat of a measuring stick for my "level" of Christianity.  Truly, they were all about me and how good of a Christian I could become.  Perhaps if I finally reached that certain "level", all of the people I loved and admired spiritually would REALLY accept me.  In college, I often wondered, "Would these people be so accepting of Erica Johnson if they knew the kind of home in which I was raised?"  Many times I even allowed thoughtless or harsh comments about my family to affect my own personal feelings of how well others accepted me.  I even allowed Satan to convince me, at times, that because my family was a certain way, people automatically associated me with certain sinful habits and lifestyles.  "Perhaps" I thought, "If I become exactly what everybody wants me to become, THEN people will REALLY accept me."  So, I tried to be what others wanted...but my deep longing for acceptance only grew.  I soon realized that people weren't accepting ME...they were accepting their idea of me.  Or, only a small piece of who I was.  It made me miserable...angry...and hurt.  Would I EVER measure up?  Would I EVER gain that acceptance for which I so long had craved...acceptance from others?


How patient God was with me.  My broken and hurting heart cried out to God for answers.  His response pierced my soul.  It shattered the ideas that I had for so long made the center of my universe.  He revealed to me that this "need" that I THOUGHT I had for the acceptance of others was, as harsh as it sounds, a form of idolatry.  I was more concerned with how other people perceived me...I was more enamored of MY ability to please others...than I was with God.  He was not the center of my universe.  So I dressed modestly...was it to show how modest of a Christian young lady I was...or was it because that is what pleases HIM?  Did I do it out of a passionate love and overwhelming desire to follow HIS wishes?  Or did I do it because I wanted to be a good little "Independent Baptist" girl?  I could go on and on about different areas of my life.  What WERE my motives?  Slowly, he opened up my wicked, selfish, and pharisaical heart.  He even brought up my past...the areas of violation and rejection that I had endured as a child.  He showed me how these things had also contributed to this horrible form of "Christian" idolatry that I had been practicing.  Unworthiness, shame, and guilt flooded my entire being.  God revealed to me exactly what I was.  He knew all along.  The person that I was trying to be to gain acceptance was merely a fascade to Him.  Then...the response that absolutely rocked my little world, "I know all these things about you...who you are...how you think...who your family is...what you have been through...how sinful and selfish you can REALLY be...and, guess what?  I love you and accept you anyway.  I always have...I always will.  I change not.  I know the thoughts that I have of you...thoughts of peace.  How precious are the thoughts that I think toward you.  You are wonderfully made.  I accept every fiber of your being...isn't that enough for you?"  


Acceptance.  True...pure...and unconditional acceptance can only come from one Person...God.  When Satan comes to get you to doubt...whether it be through a desire to be accepted by friends or even through that desire to be accepted by the opposite gender...remind him of Calvary.  The grace we received at Calvary is proof of His acceptance.  


Now, I walk into that same room...full of all those same people...and when that little pang of loneliness hits, I think of Him.  I'm not alone...He is with me.  Now I can confidently enjoy His people and try to be a blessing to THEM instead of needing THEM to accept me.  Such a freedom. 


I'm accepted.